The types of people you can meet at the gym

May, 19, 2019

If you have a gym membership, you know there are certain things you can always count on — the elliptical will break down during the busiest hours, the yoga mats will be weirdly damp, and there will never be anything worth watching on the overhead TVs. And no matter which gym you go to, there are a few types of people you’re guaranteed to run into. Here are a few gym regulars you’ll definitely recognize.

The Noisemaker

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Every gym has a few bros in the weight room who scream with every rep and slam their weights down at the end of each set. There’s actually some science behind the idea that “vocalized exhalation” can improve your performance — but you don’t get extra gains by being the loudest person in the gym, so grunt in moderation, please.

The Documentarian

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There’s always that one person who spends more time perfecting their flex pose in the mirror than actually putting up any weight. Is it really necessary to update your Instagram story every time you switch machine ?

The Person Doing the Least

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They’ve been strolling along at warm-up speed on the treadmill for the past hour, sending texts and making phone calls. We’d commend them for multitasking, but we’re not sure they’ve actually broken a sweat yet.

The Person Doing the Most

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Not only are they definitely going over the time limit on the cardio machines, but they look like they drank six cups of coffee before they left the house this morning.

The Spa Guest

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This person clearly just joined the gym for the membership perks, because you’ve never seen them use any of the actual equipment — instead, they’re sipping a smoothie at the café, relaxing in the sauna, or soaking in the hot tub. Take away the treadmills and the gym is just a low-key day spa, right?

The Permanent Fixture

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This person spends more time at the gym than the actual gym staff — whether you’re taking an early-morning strength circuit or a hitting the elliptical after work, they’re there. Either they have superhuman endurance, or they have a clone.

The Nudist

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You’ll find them basking in the glow of the fluorescent lights, making zero effort to get dressed, while casually chatting with other gym-goers about last night’s soccer match or the new craft brewery in town.

The Space Invader

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The gym is practically empty, and yet they choose the treadmill right next to yours or hover over you while you’re finishing a set on the weight machines. Um, don’t you have somewhere — anywhere — else to be?

The Social Butterfly

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Your earbuds are in, you’re wearing your favorite antisocial workout tank, and you’re in the middle of a set of burpees — yet none of that seems to deter this person from wanting to strike up a conversation right this second.

The Know-It-All

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You’re in the zone, minding your business, when this person appears out of nowhere to offer unsolicited fitness advice about your workout. Unless you’re our personal trainer or workout buddy, we don’t want to hear a performance critique.

The Walking Petri Dish

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It sounds like they’re coughing up a lung, but apparently they’ve decided to power through it — even if that means sharing their germs with everyone else at the gym. If you have a nasty cold, it’s okay to stay home and recover. Seriously. We’re begging you.

The Fitness Model

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While everyone else is a bleary-eyed hot mess, she rolls up to the 5 a.m. yoga class with full makeup, perfectly coordinated workout gear, and every strand of hair in place. We personally prefer to do  yoga at home, where we can find our zen in pajama pants and messy hair.